Posts tagged "The Onion"
After being offered her dream job as an editorial assistant at a high-powered, nationally syndicated magazine last week, area film character Eleanor “Eddie” Edison moved into a beautiful brownstone home in the heart of Brooklyn, sources confirmed. “This place is perfect!” said the attractive, if naively hopeful, protagonist, who graduated with a degree in English/Creative Writing from a well-known northeastern university and now lives in a 5,000-square-foot waterfront property overlooking lower Manhattan. “I’m so lucky I just happened to walk by and see the rent sign in the window. Tonight, after our shopping spree, I will invite my best girlfriends over and we will drink white wine and fill each other in on major developments in our lives while we listen to an album by My Morning Jacket.” At press time, sources confirmed the fictional woman, who is currently single while focusing on her career, had just bumped into an insufferable though admittedly handsome young man downstairs who, as it happens, works at the very same publication she does.
The Onion, "Film Character Moves Into Beautiful Brooklyn Brownstone After Getting Dream Publishing Job"
We can think of no better way for our young people to squander their postcollegiate aimlessness.
The Onion: Year Of Law School Now Mandatory For Nation’s 25-Year-Olds
Tim’s the kind of guy who is forever second-guessing his behavior, as if the people in his life are constantly scrutinizing every single move he makes, and he’s completely correct about that—we are. Anytime he’s been petrified at the thought of social interaction or obsessively reexamined something he’s said, his fears have been entirely reasonable, given our nonstop monitoring of his behavior.
The Onion: Anxiety-Ridden Man Rightly Ashamed of Every Single Thing He Does
Okay, Mariano Rivera isn’t as young as he used to be, and our bats started out slow, but you know, it’s freaking April. At this point I think we’ll be in good shape when the Red Sox come to town on Oct. 1, thank you very much.
The Onion, "Yankees Blame Slow Start On It Being A 162-Game Season So Calm The Fuck Down"
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