The City Council voted this week to make death a meritocracy. “For all of human existence, death has been a communistic sort of event,” the Council said in a prepared statement, and that “we live in America, where it is not the government’s job to give death to every single citizen.”
The Council noted that from now on, death would be earned through hard work and productivity, not just as a handout for every resource-sucking freeloader on the street.
"If you want to die," the Council said, "you will have to achieve death yourself. Not everyone gets to die, and that’s just how it will be."
The vote won by a small margin, with the opposition split between keeping death universal and others pushing for banning death altogether.
Listen, Night Vale, I don’t know about you, but I am for this new merit-based system of death. If everyone gets to die, then no one will really value death. I used to be young, and idealistic, and think that death was a human right, that everyone deserved to die. But now, I realize that dying is very hard work. I’m working hard every day, trying to die, but you don’t hear me complaining, “Oh, government, where’s my free death?” No. When I die, I want to have earned it.